Day One - Recognizing What's Not Going to Work

It's the official Day One of "60 Days to Love" and I'll have you know I am feeling more annoyed than Jamie Lee Curtis without her Activia. It seems like every other girl in the world can meet a guy online or in person and immediately have at least some level of attraction or interest. I can't even manage to find a guy that looks interesting. I look at most guys and feel zero attraction. Totally ambivalent.




I am the type of girl who can only like a guy once she gets to know him, so that makes the initial stages of dating harder for me. Especially online.

Even if I manage to find a guy whose pictures interest me, I can't keep the conversation going for more than a couple of messages. Which is odd, because I am a very talkative person who is always making people laugh. Unfortunately, none of the people who find me entertaining can pee standing up. So this means that unless I want to start playing for the other team, I need to find a way to keep my interactions with guys interesting.

Yesterday I met a guy online who I thought would be my first prospect. I saw his profile, thought he was interesting, so I sent him a message. He messaged me back saying that he had seen my profile and was just about to message me, and that he had noticed we like the same kind of music and both have a fondness for Japanese Manga. I got all excited thinking this was going somewhere. So since he asked for more info about me, I wrote back and told him more about me. Very basic stuff. Then I asked to know more about him.

He never replied.

Oh, he logged on for quite some time, he just didn't write me back. But the men whose profile pic are of them shirtless in front of a mirror whilst holding a bottle of Grey Goose and smiling just seem to keep on writing whether I reply or not. But where are the ones that I don't want to hit with my giant Guess handbag? They do a disappearing act, more often than not.

In hindsight, I think maybe I shouldn't have answered his question with a list of interests and info about me. I thought that was what he was asking for, but maybe it doesn't leave much room for conversation? Maybe it's boring? And maybe when it was his turn to write about himself, he couldn't think of anything to say? I know I had a hard time thinking of things, especially when the web site makes you put nearly everything there is to know about you at a glance on your profile. It's like, what more can you say?

I could either try a different approach next time, or just realize that every time I try to online date I have the same problem - starting a conversation or keeping it going. So I have decided to eliminate online dating as a tool in my search.

I have also decided to try to avoid going on conventional dates. They are awkward, and they usually consist of men complaining about money. They don't want to pay for the event, they think it's overpriced, they don't want to tip, they don't want to pay to park (even if they aren't paying for the event), and they don't want to spend gas money to come into the city from the suburbs.

Once someone starts complaining, it puts me in a bad mood. Especially when I'm nervous on first dates as it is, and they have probably shown up for the date being 5'6 when I'm 5'10 barefoot. So not only do I feel like a giant overgrown science project, I also feel like I've roped them into something inconvenient. After an hour or two I'm usually ecstatic to just get away from them.

I've decided that since men can't be relied upon to pay for anything without complaining, I shouldn't even allow it. From now on I will pay for all of my own things on events. But I can hardly call something I paid for a "date." That, to me, is a friend outing. If there comes a time when things are going well with a guy and he expresses an interest in going on a real date, I'll handle that at that time. But I'm sick of feeling guilty because they sprung for dinner, complained about it and mentioned how their rent is due the next day, and then it didn't work out between us.

I'm also sick of hearing guys complain that women use them for free meals knowing that they're not going to go out with them again. How do they know they didn't just act like a douchebag on the date, thus making the woman not want to go out again? That's usually what happens to me! But no, they can't conceive that it could have been their bad behavior, the woman must be a golddigger! Newsflash - the $10-$20 meal you bought is not that coveted nor is it unattainable without a man! The day that I have to put up with someone I don't like just to get a cheeseburger will be the day life becomes meaningless, and I decide to just end it all, thank you very much.

Anyway, if I'm not going to go online looking to meet guys and I'm not going to seek out conventional dates, what am I going to do?

I am going to seek to build a social network.

I have joined several Meetup groups that will provide opportunities for a wide array of social interactions. I am also hopefully starting a new job soon where I will work with the public. My goal will be to meet guys and practice socializing with them. Find out what kind of conversations they find interesting, and find out what type of guy I'm really looking for at this stage in my life. Then perhaps I can move into a dating scenario with someone I find compatible after knowing them for awhile and becoming comfortable with them.

All of this is subject to change, but that's the goal as of today. I'll keep you posted!

"60 Days To Love" Starts Now!

So today I finally got fed up with my friends telling me that I need to "lower my standards." If my standards get any lower they will be in hell, curled around Satan's toasty hooves. All I want is a man who will add at least something of value to my life, won't be completely embarrassing, doesn't smell or look homeless, can speak his own native language properly, will not stalk me, and can refrain from blatantly ogling other women when I'm standing right next to him. Is that really too much to ask? No, no I don't think so.

However, when you've been single as long as I have (nearly seven years) people start to think that your standards are too high or you're just "shallow." That is a load of bull. We live in a shallow culture full of shallow people who are dating other shallow people whilst calling others shallow. And I'm sick of it.

When you never have a special someone and you're past the age of 30, others either give up on you entirely and start making comments about how "some people just will never get married and that's okay," or they decide you should really just dispense with all notions of standards at all, and start snuggling up at night with whatever you can get - smelly and homeless or not. They can't fathom the simple fact that maybe you're more comfortable alone. Maybe you're just not lonely enough to be that desperate, and you probably never will be.

Well, I may not be desperate, but I am lonely, and I love to prove people wrong. So I have decided to use the next 60 days to get a boyfriend - one who meets my standards - thus proving that my standards are fine, not shallow and unrealistic. What I'm looking for can be found. I just have to prove it.

I think the reason I haven't found what I'm looking for in a man is because it's hard for everyone to find someone who is a good fit for them, but it's even harder for me. I am shy around guys to begin with but I also had a rough period in my life during which I lost everything financially, my career plans tanked, and I developed some level of social anxiety during that time as well.

For years I just hid in my apartment, battling one unfortunate circumstance after another, wondering what to do with my life and hating myself. You can't really meet anyone when you are in that state, and if you did you wouldn't know what to do with them. Now that my life and mood are somewhat stable, I am happier and able to consider letting someone into my life. However, the social anxiety seems to remain, and I'm finding it hard to find people to socialize with.

So over these next 60 days I have to work on my self esteem, start being social again, learn how to flirt, and start meeting eligible guys. I also have to learn how to maintain a dating relationship once I find one. I will use this blog to chronicle my efforts. I will tell you all about me and my personal struggles, and share each dating experience as it occurs. If I succeed in finding a boyfriend in 60 days, then maybe through reading this, other women can learn something from my efforts.